I Love a Bunch of Genres

Twelve Days of Christmas Crew X Christmas Rap “Twelve Days of Christmas” is the worst Christmas song. We all agree on that, right? I picked on “It Came Upon a Midnight Clear” the other day, but it’s not a bad song at all. I quite like it, in fact. I just can’t remember any of the lyrics past the first line. “Lyrically forgettable” and “bad” are not the same thing. I also picked on “Last Christmas” by Wham! recently. That’s not a bad Christmas song - it’s a bad song. The Christmas elements are inconsequential. You could change the name to “Last April,” or “Last Flag Day,” and the content of the song would not change at all. I didn’t pick on whatever that “Christmas Shoes” song is because as far as I’m concerned there is no “Christmas Shoes” song. “Twelve Days of Christmas” is all too real, though. Everybody knows it and, worse still, people will try to make you sing it. Every year my mom’s friend throws a Christmas party and every year, after delightful hours uncomfortable small talk with people I barely know and fielding probing, judgmental questions about why I’m not eating any meat, the evening comes to a rousing climax with a full round of that dreaded song. While we may be at odds from the time we enter the door, every party-goer is on my side once the foul Partridge’s name is invoked. Everyone, that is, except for our host, who considers this the highlight of the year. No matter how much the thought of mutiny circles the collective conscious of room, you don’t have to write to Miss Manners to know that you can’t just turn on the person who’s invited you to her home and fed you. Them’s the rules. Yes, my fate is already sealed this year, but it may not be too late to start a new holiday tradition in your own family. Who knows? You may already celebrate it. It’s the tradition of not singing that song, and I can’t recommend it strongly enough. There are enough other Christmas songs. There are two separate Christmas songs written by two different Beatles - sing those. Welcome yourself to Elton John’s Christmas song. Sing ANYTHING. Just not this. If you are one of the sickos who likes this messy, repetitive clap-trap, then maybe you’re disappointed that Crew X chose not to give the lyrics any hip-hop “flava” beyond the p-p-partridge. Personally, I’m glad. “Twelve Days of Christmas” is a bad song on its own, but it’s nothing compared to the increasing, nauseating trend of adapting this song to your own purpose. Like when people with undeserved regional pride turn apply a few lyrical swaps to create ditty about how wacky life is in Bismarck, North Dakota, or wherever, or when TV Christmas specials do the same. Did anyone see this year’s Christmas episode of The Simpsons? What was that “Thirty Days of Christmas” thing? I couldn’t tell if the show was mocking this song, or if they thought their lyrical additions were funny on their own. This song is just a stupid list put to a vague melody. Substituting your own list doesn’t make you clever.It’s not like you have to worry about rhyme structure. It’s not like you need clever noun-verb pairs. Piper’s piping? We don’t need this song.